This Is How I Disappear
by Flareons
Summary: A mind can only be broken for so long before it starts to repair itself. Akito/Ikki.


**Title:** This Is How I Disappear

**Author:** haverstock

**Series:** Air Gear

**Characters: **Wanijima Akito, Minami Itsuki

**Genre:** General/Angst; mild one-sided romance

**Rating:** PG-13

**Word Count:** 4,700

**Status:** Complete

**Summary:** A mind can only be broken for so long before it starts to repair itself.

--x--

Akito wakes up not in the cool recesses of his mind, but in the shade of an old, withered oak tree. The wind plays with his hair, twisting it and twirling it until it sticks to his mouth and catches in his eyelashes. He closes his eyes and sinks back into the rain-dampened ground, enjoying the gentle sensation of grass dancing against his skin.

It feels strange to be the one in control of their body now after being a spectator for so long. His body feels both stronger and weaker than he remembers it being, and he laughs to himself at what an oxymoron he seems to be. There never seems to be any middle-ground in matters regarding him. He wonders if his life will always be like this; given to him in bits and pieces. He supposes that he should be grateful that he at least receives some share, and that it's only fair for Agito to be spending so much time in control of their body since Akito had it all to himself for all those years before Agito even existed.

Because his body is tired, he falls asleep in the shade of the tree. When he wakes up he finds himself back on the other side of the glass wall, unable to feel the wind trace paths along his skin, or the sun warming the air around him.

If he thinks of it as Agito making up for lost time it bothers him less, because he wants Agito to be able to enjoy life as much as he can.

--x--

The next time he wakes up to a gentle breeze and the dull ache of muscles, it's to the familiar scent of Ikki. There are other smells too, wafting up towards his face in warm waves of steam: meat, bread, vegetables. He opens his eye slowly, coming to the realization that Agito must have fallen asleep while they were eating dinner. He can feel the warmth rise to his face and knows that his cheeks are most likely flushed pink in embarrassment.

He lifts his head from its resting place on Ikki's arm with a small laugh, smiling softly at the dinner in front of him that Agito barely touched. Most of the food on his plate is unappetizing to him, so he picks at it a bit with his chopsticks as he politely answers all of the questions his friends are directing to him. There aren't that many, and he knows that they most likely need Agito out so they can discuss training plans with him. His friends are kind, he knows, and are genuinely glad to have him as company, but he also knows that Agito is necessary for Kogarasumaru's success and so doesn't begrudge them for it.

He presses the palm of his hand to his temple, rubbing it in small circles for a moment as he suppresses a yawn. Akito can feel Ikki watching him and so tilts his head to look at him, flashing him a smile he reserves just for him as he does so before shifting to the side a bit and leaning his head back against Ikki's shoulder. He closes his eye and listens to his bird's heart pump blood through his veins as he drifts off.

He wakes up again standing atop an endless black pool of water.

--x--

The next time it happens he's sitting in a different pool of water than what he's grown accustomed to. It happens so suddenly that he jumps up in fright before slipping and falling back down into the warmth. He inhales a fair amount of water as he splashes his way back down into the bath, and it burns his nose unmercifully. His eyes tear up and he sinks down deeper into the water until he's fully submerged and his hair floats in front of his face like a veil of midnight sky. He stays under until his chest burns more than his nose did; his lungs crying out with a fierce ache that they need air.

Akito resurfaces with a gasp and a slightly crazed smile. Agito asks him what's wrong and Akito tells him that it's nothing.

He spends longer than necessary in the bath, sometimes floating on the surface like an otter, sometimes lying on the bottom like a manta ray. He remains entirely motionless unless he's washing his hair, or his body, and so can't ever compare himself to a shark.

The water is cold by the time Akito decides to get out, and he can feel the small hairs on his body stand on end at the sudden temperature change. He shivers, letting himself drip dry for a while, savouring the feeling of water sliding slowly down his skin and how the warmth of the droplet is followed immediately by a trail of cold air. Realizing that he's probably holding up the queue for the bath grabs his towel quickly, clutching it to his chest, and hastens to the door.

"I-Ikki-kun!" Akito stammers, eye widening in surprise. A smile is on his lips before he's even found enough presence of mind to move out of his friend's way. He can feel his body gravitate towards the taller boy and puts up no resistance to the pull. His body is flush up against Ikki's, and before he can be pushed away he reaches up, towel dropping down to pool at their feet, and gently tilts his friend's head down just enough so that he's able to press their lips together without struggle.

Akito lets his lips brush against Ikki's as he pulls away; inhaling the breath that the other boy breathes out. He hurries back to his room before Ikki can push him away.

He leaves his towel where it fell.

--x--

"Akito."

He swivels his head at an angle that is uncomfortable, but allows him to watch as Ikki strides into the room he's currently sprawled out in. As usual, a smile finds its way to his lips before it registers with him that he should be smiling.

"Ikki-kun," Akito chirps happily in greeting, but doesn't make any move to get up. His body feels as though it has moulded itself to the sofa he's taken to laying on when he finds himself out in place of Agito. He finds it hard to concentrate, and so prefers to stay by himself and enjoy the physical sensations he can find from the simple things rather than sitting with his friends and focusing on a conversation that doesn't really involve him in the first place. He knows that his reclusiveness isn't worrying them because Agito is, by nature, reclusive and so it will just be assumed that when he's not around that it's Agito who is the dominant one. "Why are you here, Ikki-kun?" Sliding down the couch slightly so that he can peer up at Ikki's face without hurting his neck, Akito can feel his brows furrow at the expression the older boy is sending his way. "What's wrong?"

"I should be asking you that."

Akito blinks, surprised. His mind is slow to register what's being said. "Asking me what, Ikki-kun?"

Instead of appeasing him, his words seem to have the opposite effect. "Cut the crap!" Ikki all but shouts, and Akito flinches at the tone. Seeming to take notice of this, Ikki softens his tone but not his words. "Cut the crap," he says again. Though the tone is softer the intensity has increased.

Akito stares at him for a moment, admiring the way his bird's eyes look as they're shining with determination. They're the deepest shade of brown he can imagine, but there are flecks of honeyed caramel laced within his irises that shine like gold when the sun hits them. His smile widens, and he withholds a giggle.

"What's wrong, Akito?"

Akito loves many things about Minami Ikki; so many things, in fact, that he would never be able to list them all. The one thing that Akito loves most about him in this moment, however, is the fact that he is calling him by his name.

"Nothing's wrong, Ikki-kun." He laughs a bit as though this proves his point. "The wind is still blowing, right?"

He leans forward and kisses Ikki until he's pushed away and back into the recesses of his mind.

--x--

Agito is in a fight when the eye patch shifts to the other side and he wakes up to a sharp kick in the face. He hits the ground with a thud that may or may not have sounded sickening to someone else, but what sounds incredibly interesting to him. His vision fizzes black at the corners, like an old television set, and there are little flashes of light when he blinks. Though it's not an unfamiliar sensation to him it's been long enough since it happened last that it seems stranger than it should – more enjoyable than it should.

There's some cursing from a spot near him. The voice is recognizable as Kazu's, and Akito lets his eye scan his field of vision for a head of golden hair. He closes it when he finds nothing, instead letting himself enjoy the cool dampness of the ground seep into his skin. His sweat slicked clothes stick to him like a second skin, but he doesn't mind; he has the fleeting thought that maybe Ikki is nearby and may find his appearance attractive. The thought lingers for a moment – just long enough to put a smile on his face – before vanishing altogether.

The warmth of the sun suddenly stops heating his face and Akito cracks his eye open again. He sees a bright flash of blue in his vision and wonders if he's looking at the sky, but then his eye refocuses and the shadowed face of Kazu comes into view.

"Hey, Agito," says the blond. His voice is thick with worry, and it makes Akito consider that the wetness on his face may not all be sweat. "Shit, I'm sorry! Are you all right?"

Akito lets his gaze shift to the side and is surprised to see Ikki standing there watching. He smiles and looks back to Kazu before letting his eye drift shut again.

"Agito's fine."

He lets the eye patch slide back firmly over his eye so that Agito can speak for himself.

--x--

"What's the matter, little brother?"

Akito shivers at the voice, but moves towards it all the same. It's his, yet not his, and he hates it as much as he can hate anything. He hates the irrepressible urge to go to it and merge with it until there's nothing left of him and all that remains is the person he never wants to become. His eye is wet with tears but he pretends that it's not.

"Don't be like that, Akito," his voice croons. He flinches, yet his feet still keep pressing forward until he comes to a halt in front of the caged off section of their mind. "Come visit."

The next thing he's aware of is the feel of being pulled onto a lap and held tightly enough that it's almost painful to breathe.

"Rindo." His voice is soft and echoes around them in a whimpered plea. He shivers, frightened, and tries to remember what else he needs to say. _Let me go. Leave us alone. Go away. Disappear. Go, go, go._

Rindo tightens his grip on him and reaches up to brush away his tears in a movement that is mockingly gentle. His mind is detached from everything when he feels cold lips against his own, and he wonders where your mind can wander to when you're in your mind to start with.

"I was here first." The sting of teeth on his lip is strangely dulled. "I'm not the one who's going to disappear, little brother~"

--x--

He wakes up to the feel of Ikki's hand on his face, holding the eye patch over Agito's eye. His cheeks flush as he notices their close proximity, and he moistens his lips with his tongue as he scans Ikki's face curiously.

"Hi," he says softly, not wanting to break the odd silence between them. Ikki nods, as though that was the answer he was looking for, and then pulls back and away to go crawl out onto the roof of their current residence.

It's cold, but Akito leaves his sweater undone anyway as he follows the taller boy outside. It flaps like wings against him in the wind as he climbs out onto the roof, and distracts him enough that he almost loses his grip. He turns his attention back to what he's doing, making his way back to Ikki's side with relative ease, curling up as close as he can to him without actually touching. The warmth that radiates from the other boy is intoxicating and he focuses on the electrifying feeling he always gets when he sits this close to his crow.

Ikki shifts slightly but doesn't move away. "You..." he says, not looking at him. Akito wishes that he would. "You're just as important, you know."

Akito looks at him searchingly, watching the moonlight dust Ikki's face in a shower of pale white light. He doesn't know what to say in reply and pulls at a loose thread on the sleeve of his borrowed sweater. "...Not really," his lips twist into a rueful smile and he eyes the way the muscles of the other boy's neck become more defined when his head is turned to face him. He runs a hand through his hair and laughs a bit, deciding that he would rather not talk about it.

"Just kidding!"

He shifts his gaze to the bulbous moon hanging above the city and he can feel Ikki watching him for a bit longer before he, too, looks out at the sky. He knows that Ikki knows he wasn't telling the truth, but it's easier to pretend when the words and accusations haven't been voiced.

They sit in companionable silence long into the night, until Akito's eyes feel leaden and his body slumps against Ikki's.

--x--

"...Eh?" he voices, confused, as he finds himself pressed against Ikki's chest. He looks up and sees Ikki encircled by the clear blue sky. He blinks and the illusion dissipates, but the memory of it still lingers. "Ikki-kun?"

It seems as though the others are confused by Ikki's choice as well, and so Akito wonders what he's planning. They all look to him for instruction and clarification.

"We're not training today," Ikki declares. He hasn't let go of him yet, but Akito doesn't feel the need to point this out, and so stays perfectly immobile with his back pressed against his crow's warm chest. His heartbeat is strong and vibrant, even with the layers of clothing between them. "So go and do whatever you want, 'cause you're not getting another day off anytime soon."

Akito shivers, and is rewarded by a sturdy hand being placed on his shoulder. He risks snuggling closer and Ikki stiffens, but doesn't pull away. The entirety of Kogarasumaru looks confused, but soon everyone begins to converse amongst themselves, making plans of action, before dispersing with enthusiastic good-byes and promises to be early for tomorrow's practice. Ikki speaks again once the last of their teammates has left.

"What do you want to do?"

"Eh?" Akito says, caught entirely off guard by the question. "Um, I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Let's go get some ice cream," Ikki decides for them. Akito agrees readily, and can already taste the ice cream melting in his mouth and feel it running down his hand to leave a sticky mess all over his fingers. He smiles, gently hooking his arm through Ikki's and silently urges him to lead the way. Ikki doesn't pull away from him, and so Akito takes the chance to cling to him more securely, enjoying the feel of his friend's sturdy arm pressed against his cheek.

The walk to the ice cream stand both passes in an instant and lasts an eternity. The comforting sensation of Ikki's arm being wrapped up in his own causes his mind to focus solely on him; the rest of the world is abstract and unclear, like there's a veil between him and it, forcing him to depend on other things to connect with everything that's around him. Akito thinks that if anyone were to be able to lift the veil that it would be Ikki, but he knows that it's impossible for someone to lift a veil they can't see themselves.

So absorbed by his thoughts, Akito jumps slightly in surprise when a hand flashes in and out of his range of vision to catch his attention. He blinks once, and then tilts his head to look up at Ikki properly. Ikki seems to catch his unvoiced question and directs his gaze to the selection of ice cream laid out in front of them.

"Which one?" he asks.

Akito watches the woman on the other side of the stand cut into the ice cream of Ikki's choice with the scoop; she rolls it quickly and efficiently into a tight ball and then presses it into the cone with the gentle precision that can only come from lots of practice. He can hear the cone creak and crack from the pressure, protesting against the icy cold of the new addition to it. The ice cream sweats as it's handed over to Ikki and he has the sudden desire to watch it melt a chocolate trail down his crow's hand.

"Strawberry."

Ikki lets out a soft snort at that and bites down into his ice cream. Akito finds himself impressed by the action, wondering if the other teenager ever worries about getting an ice headache. His ponderings are cut short, however, when Ikki's eyes tighten with pain and he looks as though he's about to drop his ice cream in his rush to clutch at his temples with his palms. Akito rushes in and grabs Ikki's ice cream before it can fall, then pushes forward to brush his lips up against Ikki's chilled ones until he can feel his face tighten in shock instead of discomfort.

He pulls away quickly, smiling and holding out the ice cream for Ikki to take back once he accomplished what he set out to do. Akito turns back to the woman behind the stand to collect his own ice cream and receives an odd look as he pays for both cones, but he ignores it. When he looks back to Ikki the other boy seems to have managed to collect himself, and they begin gliding away along the paved path until they find a bench to sit down on.

His ice cream isn't as good as he had hoped it would be, but it's not bad either. It melts on his tongue just right, and the flavour isn't too strong or too faint. He runs his tongue around the perimeter of the cone, catching all the pink tears that his ice cream has let loose due to the heat and scooping the cool treat in small bunches onto his tongue to run along the roof of his mouth until it melts away. He can hear Ikki crunching away on his cone beside him and lets himself relax more against the bench.

"It's good," Akito says, looking down at his cone where the ice cream begins to cry sweet tears down his knuckles. "Thanks, Ikki-kun."

Ikki looks at him, caramel-laced eyes catching the light in that way that makes Akito's stomach twist into warm knots. This is the person he wants to become a part of; to fold up into forever until there's nothing left.

"For what?"

Akito watches as his ice cream begins to slip from its resting place.

"Everything," he replies.

The veil around him thickens, and he feels himself falling back into that place he doesn't want to return to just yet.

--x--

To: Wanijima Kaito

Oniichan

Take care of yourself

Good bye

From: Wanijima Akito

-

To: Wanijima Akito

Brat

I don't take orders from shits like you

From: Wanijima Kaito

--x--

The black water ripples beneath his feet as he walks; light from an unknown source reflecting off the peak of each miniscule wave. He looks around him, and even though it looks the same as most of his mind, he knows that this place is different, and that he has been here once before. He remembers this place so distinctly that it's almost painful to be standing here again.

Agito stands in front of him. A tangle of ribbon links them together, floating around them like coral at the bottom of an ocean.

Don't leave. Agito reaches out to him; pleads.

I think I have to.

You don't. You're strong.

Akito can feel the wetness gathering in his eyes and sliding shamelessly down his cheeks. Agito. I am you, and you are me. I won't ever be really gone as long as you keep existing. So keep existing, okay?

Akito.

The wind is still blowing for you, Agito.

It's still blowing for you too.

I can't feel it anymore.

Agito stares at him, holding his gaze. Akito doesn't want to look away, but he can't stand the sight of Agito crying. He clenches his eye shut and rushes forward, wrapping his arms around his other half and tangling himself up in him until he can no longer tell where he ends and Agito begins.

Keep existing for me, Agito.

--x--

He wakes up to perfect clarity for the first time in weeks. He can feel every twist and pull of his muscles, the sturdy movements of his joints and ligaments, and the strength within his bones. He can hear the sounds that he hasn't focused on in so long, and clings to them like a long lost friend. He feels alive for the first time in months; invincible for the first time in his life.

Ikki is sleeping beside him, and Akito settles down next to him again, curling himself flush up against the other boy's chest and inhaling the scent that is distinctly Ikki. He pulls back after a moment, just far enough away that he can watch Ikki's face as he sleeps. His eyelids flutter with a dream, and he leans forward to press a kiss gently against each of them, running a hand gently through his hair as he does so. Ikki's hair isn't soft, but neither is it coarse; it's a blend of textures that are immensely pleasing to feel against his fingertips.

Akito exhales softly, and then moves forward to place his lips carefully over his crow's. He's already memorized every contour of the other boy's lips, and kissing him gives him such a feeling of comfort that it often causes him to wonder if this is what it would have felt like to be wrapped up in a mother's love. When he finally pulls away, his vision is drowned out by the deep caramelized brown of Ikki's irises. He's not entirely surprised by this and so just smiles at him brightly.

"Good morning, Ikki-kun."

Ikki stares at him, and Akito begins to wonder why he hasn't been shoved forcefully out of the bed. "What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

He receives a searching look in reply, and can feel himself being scrutinized. Something in his actions must have clicked in Ikki's head because his eyes suddenly go very wide and he shoots up in bed to stare down at him harshly. "What are you doing?" His voice is louder than it should be at this hour, in this atmosphere, and Akito withholds a flinch at it.

"I think that you already know," Akito says softly, only just realizing the truth behind his words as they slip out of his mouth. He sits up as well but keeps his head and eyes downward. The linen they were sleeping on has bunched up and crinkled around his body in odd patterns; tightly in one place, loose in another. Some of the wrinkles are so deep that he can't tell how deep they are and he just barely manages to refrain from poking a finger through all of the crevasses to find out.

There's an uncomfortable silence between them for what seems like an eternity. Akito can feel his legs beginning to go numb when Ikki finally decides to break the silence.

"What" –

Akito cuts off what the taller boy was planning to say.

"There's someplace I want to go," Akito says. "Come with me, okay?"

Ikki hesitates for a moment before nodding. "Okay."

-

The sun has barely begun to rise over the horizon when they reach the place that Akito had in mind. It's an abandoned construction site for what appears to be another high-rise building nestled beside a small patch of lush forest. He switches over to Agito quickly so that he can climb to the top of the giant skeleton of a building with Ikki for him, and then finds himself switched back out. Ikki is facing him in front of a backdrop of an impossible mix of reds and pinks and oranges. The distinctive light of early morning shines on the side of Ikki's face and tangles in his hair. Akito watches him with a smile until they meet each other in the middle of the beam they're standing on.

"This is where you wanted to go?" Ikki asks him, his tone somewhat sceptical. Akito nods, humming a bit in the positive. He receives a dubious look in reply, "How come?"

"Just watch the sky and you'll see, Ikki-kun."

Ikki frowns at him for a moment before listening to his suggestion and turning his gaze toward the horizon. Soon enough he seems to realize why Akito wanted to come to this place and absorbs himself in watching the sunrise from this view.

Akito watches the sunrise on Ikki's face.

They sit silently together, each watching their own view of the sunrise until the sky is wholly a bright, perfect blue and Akito stands up slowly, breaking the silence with another suggestion.

"Ikki-kun," he says. "Let's fly."

The other boy looks at him curiously, his confusion evident by the look on his face. Akito knows how strange it must sound for him to be asking this, and being the one wanting to do this in place of Agito. He steps forward and takes Ikki's hand with a smile before leaning up as far as he can to place a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Show me your Wing Road, Ikki-kun." Akito says, pulling back from his crow and tugging him gently along towards the edge, adding: "I'd really like to see it again."

Ikki smiles, just as he always does at the thought of A-Ting, and causes Akito's own smile to broaden.

"Let's fly," says Ikki, and then they jump.

-

This is what it's like to fly, Akito thinks. The feel of air rushing past his body; it's resistance a cushion around his skin as he falls. The sun is bright in his eye, and he raises a hand to shield it from the light, but the wind catches his arm, making it impossible and causing him to let out a stream of laughter that gets carried up into the sky. He descends faster than Ikki does, which allows him to look up and watch his crow fly with a smile so bright that Akito is sure it outshines the sunlight. He falls farther and farther away from Ikki until he's almost to the ground.

"Akito," Ikki calls out to him, reaching out with a hand. Akito stretches his arm out and opens his fingers, reaching out in turn. The space between them is a wide as it has always been, and will always continue to be.

"I love you," he says, smiling, but the wind carries his words away.

Ikki's wings are the last thing he sees as he falls back into his mind for the final time.


End file.
